| !@#%!@# |
[05 Mar 2009|05:39am] |
Dear Life,
Holy shit, I'm an adult?!? How the FUCK did THAT happen? I'd really like to know cause time seems to be very very sneaky.
Just let me know if you can!
Sincerely,
Julie
P.S-- I still don't understand too much, so if you can make me 3 years younger with the knowledge I already acquire, that will be great.
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[11 Dec 2008|10:35pm] |
I am head over heels over this girl, and believe the feelings are mutual (with a tiny bit of awkwardness)
But I'm falling real hard.
Feels like 4th grade all over again!
:-)
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| RANTS |
[13 Nov 2008|05:11am] |
| [ |
music |
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Christian Death**Romeo's Distress |
] |
GOTH MOMENT!
Burning crosses on a ******'s lawn burning dollars what's a house without a home?
dance in your white sheet glory dance in your passion
talk about sugar on the six fingered beast conversation about the holes in your hands
walk through the garden of men's desires
conversations about the kingdom of fire
conversations about the kingdom of fire
What's that moving in the basement? What's that moving in the addict?
Who's that walking in the shadow Who's that walking in the streets
Kiss on my hand After dark
Kiss on my hand After dark a kiss on my hand
Romance in sequence Harmful to the blind
Burning hearts through the top of your skull
Dance in your white sheet glory Dance in your passion
your days are numbered with pretense in your pocket
your days are numbered with the love in your eyes
the love in your eyes
Love
What's that moving in the basement? What's that moving in the addict?
Who's that lying on the altar? Who's that lying in the streets
Pull down the sheets Take off your clothes Get on the bed
I'm so tired
Pull down the sheets Take off your clothes
Get on the bed
I'm so tired...
I've been really lazy, but whatever "void" I had is filled and there's nothing too much to worry about. I unfortunately have been going to too many parties, but I think that me socializing is just my way to "let loose" you could say. If only I had a happy median between work and play, then I'd be woman on top. I also don't worry about finding someone (FINALLY!) I don't know why I was so concerned anyway. I think college is a time for soul searching, good times, good work, and making friends, not and time of fiscal marriage proposals and getting your heart "broken" from all the lays you receive (though those can be good if you're responsible-- and part of the experience I suppose)
But worrying about chasing tail all the time seems pretty, well... meaningless. And you're never gonna find anyone if you are always just SETTLING, so you might as well not have the idea of GETTIN' LAID or finding love in mind to begin with. I think there's a lot of regrets when you do that, like how you got far too involved with going home with someone that you missed the bonding with your good friends and good laughs. Friendship is key. I don't care who you, it just is.
And don't get me started on marriage and babies! I'm beginning to feel like that is a chapter in my life that I'm kind of hoping not to happen.
What brought all this up was this one supposed friend Lets name her AP (cause those are her initials) ditched me at party to go hang out with some guy. She pretty much used me for a ride, and then went off with this guy. I mean, I'm not TOO mad cause I had other friends with me, but just the fact that she was too wrapped up in her bullshit that she could not even understand how rude that was.
I don't think I've done that to a friend before, maybe cause I'm not so COCKMONGERING, who knows?
Alright, my rant is over, and now it's time for me to start papers, and then eat some food (yeah, my sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked)
P.S --
I'm off Birth Control now, I think that's the reason for so much
ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
I finally feel a lot better, but wishing that laziness would just really leave my body.
Alright, I'm done.
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[12 Oct 2008|07:56am] |
I'm getting jealous at how my friend spends more time with her roommate than me, and I used to not be this way, but I think since it's almost like this unwritten competition, I'm getting really aggressively aggravated by it. I think what also bothers me is how much they just want to get laid... or something? My reasoning for going out is always different than theirs. And then my friend's roommate just gets black-out drunk all the time and it just irritates me.
I think I should just really not hang out with anyone for a while. I feel like it's how I felt last fall semester, I get into these blues about things and find myself to be the most uninteresting, dramatic person ever and all I want to do is cry. I mean, I am getting my period this week too, so I guess that'll help.
I don't know, It might also just be the way things flow; how friendships grow, etc etc.
Cause I know a lot of my friendships go through a hard time before, just to see if they can last.
I should definitely wait to see how I feel about everything next week (Hell week SUCKS!)
I just never feel like I have people to talk to about how I feel, and I have a lot of people who I can talk to about how I feel.
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| "Suckin' dick, eatin' pussy ya know what I'm sayin'?" |
[09 Oct 2008|06:06am] |
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music |
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Pretty Girls Make Graves (10th grade self regressing) |
] |
I've been dealing with a lot of insecurity about something that ACTUALLY meant a lot to me: My Sense of Humor.
I feel like I've completely lost all sense of humor, like sarcasm-wise, and now it's just awkward-babbling (Which can be humorous, but just makes me borderline anxious)
I think there's just a lot of self-consciousness (as usual) and humor was something that I really had apathy for, like I could be funny without trying, and now lately I feel like I'm trying TOO HARD or just not trying at all.
I'm glad I'm going to therapy to have this figured out, I Feel like it's the only thing that mattered by personality traits. I'm just scared of being boring, and this continues to get more lame and lame each time, but that's how I see things. I mean, maybe I'm just going through a serious-phase, that can happen. I also think anger has really made it's way into my life, plus nothing exciting has happened in a while cause I'm borderline recluse. I don't like having conversations with random people as much, and I don't like hanging out with most of the people I used to; either they've changed or I have, either people have become progressively lame to me, or maybe I'm too self-involved with my own shit that I don't give as much of a shit before, actually maybe opposite.
I'm pretty sure the phase will leave me soon, I'm wondering when I stopped growing, or if my humor was even me sometimes, maybe I'm really an introvert and didn't even know it, maybe I'm just not channelling my anger in the right way, maybe maybe maybes.
It'll be figured out soon, but for now I should probably go to "sleep" or nap... whatever one would like to call it.
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| Serious Question, Seriously i need someone's help. |
[06 Oct 2008|09:34am] |
I hate my roommate's boyfriend sooo much. Like, I hope he falls down stairs-hate.
and it's getting kind of obsessive at this point. And I just wish I could live my fucking life and not be involved in this.
Is there ANYWAY that I can just not think about this? Is there ANYWAY of not thinking about this?
I really need help, cause I KNOW that my roommate might end up resenting me. Even though I have legit reasons for hating that fucking asshole, her heart is gonna take over her mind causing her to be an idiot.
I just don't want to hate their relationship anymore, I just wish I didn't care.
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[10 Sep 2008|10:41am] |
2 out of the 3 roommates have become the biggest slobs, sadly they used to not be that way.
One of them could've burned down the kitchen last night and didn't even listen to me when I asked if she was using the stove. She's just become more of a fucking idiot.
And the other one has become really sloppy and not giving a fuck about dishes not being clean or anything like that.
She used to be a neat freak until she continuously fucked her boyfriend.
I'm leaving this weekend. It'll be a fucking overload of testerone that will be clinging to estrogen.
All the couples of the world, could you please stop being so fucking boring?
For the first time ever, I'm beginning to like Orlantha. Maybe cause her relationship is so long distance I don't see him.
Gainesville and (maybe) Orlando HERE I COME!
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| hahahaahaha |
[09 Sep 2008|10:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ben Kweller? |
] |
Random thought:
I hate to mention him a lot cause it irritates me a lot, but I remember when I was in my car crying about him prior break up I said to myself, "Next song that plays will describe my situation." and then fucking Pearl Jam's "Better Man" plays... And then I broke down laughing.
And while in the shower, I was thinking about a good time him and I shared, and then "Better man" played again.
I'm sorry, the song makes me laugh only cause he didn't beat me nor am I running back to him. I don't know, I'm just cracking up right now... I decided to download a lot of Pearl Jam shit cause Pearl Jam is fun/funny.
I'm soo 90's.
Eitherway though, I'm kind of coming back to my old self in a way. Just a little more frustrated.
I swear if my emotions were a roller-coaster, it would be the longest line.
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[01 Sep 2008|06:07am] |
Bottom line, it's time to stop self-medicating myself and go to a motherfucking doctor.
I'm sick of being such a weak bitch. And I'm sick of worrying about things that do not exist. And I'm sick of sleeping my life away and waking up in pain.
Ugh... time to call Thaggard.
Time to get things over and done with.
Depression needs to end.
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| Okay... Complaints. |
[26 Aug 2008|01:23am] |
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I'm finally at FSU and I'm still living with the same roommates in the same borderline shitty apartment.
I'm really annoyed with my new neighbors, but I think I'll learn to appreciate them when parties come to form, but for NOW I wanna throw rocks at them to make them go to sleep. Ugh, I have class early tomorrow WAH WAH WAH!
And now I'm wide awake because everyone decided that tonight is the night to love me... AKA nonstop text messages.
I wish people would love me when I want to love them, which means not tonight, but tomorrow.
I think I'm finally moving on... but I continuously think about him, and then I get depressed, and then it stops and I'm happy again.
But you know, I'm pretty manic anyway so I'm gonna take this as absolutely nothing.
I think it doesn't help that ALL my roommates are dating people... and they all have a routine involving their boyfriends and it's just fucking awkward. ONCE AGAIN the outcast of the bunch!
Oh, and one of my roommates gave me a fucking lecture about drugs... um, right.
It annoyed me only cause I never had anyone give me a lecture about drugs before.
So strange...
This semester I can imagine a lot of introspective thoughts and ideals about myself.
Egh, Loneliness.
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| BAH HUM BUG |
[11 Aug 2008|02:03am] |
New Rule: If you're mad at me for something I did a year ago, you can't bring it up a year later and tell me how I didn't apologize for it-- cause I apologize[d] too much, and I'm over being the bad guy.
Everyone should just TELL ME right away if you're mad at me, don't fucking walk on eggshells, and if you can't forgive me, then just say goodbye to me and if not, then let go.
Fuck, today's been Criticize julie for how she used to be, not who she is now.
Stupid, fucking stupid.
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| Del |
[03 Aug 2008|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
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music |
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Deltron |
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Sometimes I really wonder if there's something that turns people off by me, and I think it's mostly because I'm always put into the friend's category.
I'll never be seen as the girlfriend, and I'm glad that I'm learning this now because otherwise I'd think it had to do with my personality-- like a terrible personality flaw.
Maybe it's cause I overanalyze myself.
Jeeeesus Christ
I should just continue to act like myself and not really give a fuck and then maybe things will just work themselves out.
I think I've learned that rejection is just something that can either make you or break you.
And all of this is very mundane.
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| I apologize for bringing hate upon you |
[25 Jul 2008|07:14pm] |
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mood |
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 refreshed//dirty |
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music |
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MGMT |
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Because honestly, you did me a favor.
I don't want to be with someone who insulted me.
and I don't want someone that just looked at my phone calls and never picked them up.
I want someone to be able to communicate with me openly without having to censor themselves.
I want everything that isn't you.
But of course I'm still someone that wanted it to work out.
I just rather have someone know that relationships take time, but 2 months really aren't supposed to be that instense... it's suppose to be fun.
Even if you were in a three year relationship before, you have a lot more to learn about relationships than me.
At least I know time is a precious thing, and I know that two months doesn't mean automatic love, and two months isn't a timeset.
So, thank you--- for breaking up with me cause i know I wouldn't have broken up with you until you called me fat or something ridiculous as the last straw of everything else you called me.
I hope you have a great life, and I hope that I don't have to see you anytime soon.
I hope you drop my shit at the door.
Sincerly,
Not-yours-Julie
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| People = shit. |
[24 Jul 2008|03:05am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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| [ |
music |
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Tori Amos |
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Fuck you
I really fucking hate you
and i wish you read this, I wish you knew how much i want to light your car on fire.
how much I wanna just punch you in the fucking nose, so you get another nose job!
I just want you to be hurt like me
I hate this, I wish this feeling would go away
I continue to cry about this
Why am I so attached when there's absolutely nothing special about him?
I hate this phase...
and I hate how i feel like I'm not deserving of anything more.
and I hate how i'm alone in my apartment as usual since my roommate is inlove with her boyfriend.
And when it rains, it pours.
bad things keep happening, and all i want is to cuddle with something, someone.
I guess I should start writing again... A LOT!
I just wish I'd stop crying... completely.
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| Serious question |
[24 Jun 2008|05:42pm] |
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music |
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my thoughts running a muck. |
] |
When I'm with them more than 24 hours I wanna throw myself under a bus.
When I'm with them less than an hour, I miss their touch.
I just don't know why I'm never satisfied with time.
I wanna know if it's normal to NOT wanna spend every waking moment with someone you have deep feelings for.
I wanna know if it's normal to wanna punch them for saying something stupid.
I wanna know if it's normal to wanna cry, especially when they say something sweet.
I wanna know if it's normal to wanna cry, especially when they say something that's ideally not what I wanted them to say.
I wanna know if any of the things I feel are what other couples feel.
Bottom line: It makes me feel crazy.
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| Current events in my life: |
[27 May 2008|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Liquid Courage |
] |
I'm excited for
*Hangin' in Chicago with my BFF Berlice
*Friendship tattoos
I'm really hating
*How I'm not working out as much as I use to
*That I work 35 hours a week
*How exhausted I've been
*That my friend is dealing with a douchebag
I'm really loving
*That I'm tan
*How happy I am to wake up to someone who cares about me as much as I care about them
*How I'm payed a compliment at least once a day by someone that I care about
*That someone can accept my flaws, just like I can accept theirs.
*That I'm liked for being me
*That the feelings are reciprocated.
*Sex
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